Revision Cycle 1 — 12 Named Moves with Voice-Check and Tone-Check

Children read full draft silently. Note 3 places where revision could help.

• Provide silent reading time
• Affirm specific noticings

Today you revise with 12 NAMED MOVES (the fall 10 PLUS two new spring moves: VOICE-CHECK and TONE-CHECK). The fall 10 moves carry forward — STRONGER WORD CHOICE, ADD EXPLANATION (now ADD WARRANT), CHECK LINK (now CHECK THESIS-CLAIM ALIGNMENT), CHECK AUDIENCE, ADD CITATION, CHECK VERB TENSE (now CHECK LITERARY PRESENT), ADD CORRELATIVE PAIR, EXPAND/COMBINE/REDUCE, CHECK COMMAS (now including compound-sentence, introductory-clause, appositive), CHECK CONCLUSION SYNTHESIZES. NEW spring moves: MOVE 11 VOICE-CHECK — read your draft ALOUD; identify the 5 voice-fingerprint elements; revise toward DELIBERATE voice (e.g., if you find every sentence opens with subject, revise 2 to vary). MOVE 12 TONE-CHECK — name your TONE from MG-7 (formal / warm / scholarly / etc.); check that your word choice and pace match. If you've named your tone as 'tender' but your draft uses 'skinny' (negative connotation), revise to 'slender.' Watch teacher demonstrate MOVE 11 voice-check on a sample draft. ORIGINAL (monotone): 'Esperanza arrives. She is sad. She misses her father. She learns.' Voice-fingerprint: subject-first repetitive; short uniform sentences. After MOVE 11: 'When Esperanza arrived at the labor camp, sad and missing her father, she began to learn.' One sentence, varied opening (subordinator), longer + flowing. Annotated: MOVE 11 — VOICE-CHECK.

• Notice — voice and tone are invisible to the writer until they read aloud. The voice-fingerprint and tone-words bank make them visible.

  model See narrative for MOVE 11. MOVE 12 example: child has named tone as 'measured + warm.' Draft sentence: 'It's totally wild that Esperanza adapts!' Revised for tone-match: 'It is striking that Esperanza adapts.' Same content, tone-match (no 'totally wild'; no exclamation; measured + warm tone).

  prompt Teacher demonstrates MOVES 11 and 12 on a sample draft.

• Why does voice-check require reading aloud?
• Name 3 of the original 10 fall moves.
• Name the 2 new spring moves.

• Apply at least 8 of the 12 named moves to your full draft. Annotate each with green-pencil margin note ('MOVE 11' etc.). MUST INCLUDE MOVES 11 and 12.

  scaffold 12-move anchor at desk; revision-move stickers; green revision pencil; MG-6 voice card; MG-7 tone bank
• Pair-share: read partner's draft and identify 2 places where ONE more move could help. Quote the line and name the move number.

  scaffold Move-suggestion card

M-5-S-WR-14-B Illustration

Reference image of a Grade-5 child's typed draft with green-pencil margin annotations showing MOVES 1, 4, 5, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 visible. Voice-check annotation includes the 5 voice-fingerprint elements; tone-check annotation includes named tone from MG-7. Print-ready 8.5x11 notebook spread.

MG-7 Chart

Tone-words bank anchor: 10-card grid. FORMAL (blue) — measured, professional, no contractions. INFORMAL (yellow) — casual, contractions, everyday language. WARM (orange) — caring, intimate, second person. URGENT (red) — short sentences, active verbs, present tense. PLAYFUL (pink) — wordplay, surprise, light. SCHOLARLY (purple) — precise, citation-heavy, hedged. SOMBER (gray) — slow pace, heavy diction, longer pauses. EXUBERANT (bright yellow) — exclamation, energy, expansive. WRY (brown) — understated humor, irony. TENDER (peach) — soft diction, present-moment focus. Each card has a 1-sentence example. Print-ready 11x17.

• Show your draft with at least 8 green-pencil move annotations.
• Confirm MOVE 11 (voice-check) and MOVE 12 (tone-check) applied.
• Move status-tile to REVISE.

• Star the move that helped your draft most.
• Predict: tomorrow we apply the PRAISE-QUESTION-SUGGESTION peer protocol.

• At home tonight, read your draft aloud to a family member. Ask: 'What did you hear of my voice?' Bring response tomorrow.