Revision Moves — Stronger Word Choice and Expanding Details

Tired-word hunt: teacher displays a sample paragraph with 4 generic words (thing, good, big, said). Children identify each and brainstorm Tier-2 substitutions.

• Read paragraph aloud
• Circle each tired word
• Brainstorm 2-3 substitutions per word using Tier-2 word wall

Today we revise the FIRST FULL DRAFT using two named moves from MG-17. MOVE 1 — STRONGER WORD CHOICE. Look at your draft for TIRED WORDS — words so general they don't add information. Common tired words: THING ('honeybees do this thing where they dance' → 'honeybees perform a special dance'), GOOD ('honeybees are good for the garden' → 'honeybees are essential for the garden'), BIG ('a big colony' → 'a massive colony of 80,000 bees'), SAID ('Markle said' → 'Markle writes / explains / argues'). Replace tired words with precise Tier-2 substitutions from Sets 7 and 8. MOVE 2 — EXPAND THE DETAIL. Find one paragraph where the EXAMPLE is thin (just one sentence). Add: a specific number ('80,000 bees in summer'), a specific name ('an octopus named Inky'), a date ('on February 1, 1960'), or a sensory observation ('the air thick with the sound of wings'). The example becomes concrete when you ANCHOR it with a specific number, name, date, or sense detail. Mark each revision in green pencil with the move name in the margin.

• Notice TWO moves landed in one revision: replaced 'do' with 'perform' AND expanded the detail with 'waggle dance' and 'exactly where flowers are blooming.'

  model Before: 'Honeybees do a thing that helps them find flowers.' After: 'Honeybees perform a special waggle dance that signals exactly where flowers are blooming.' Margin annotation: 'STRONGER VERB (perform) + EXPAND DETAIL'.

  prompt Teacher models STRONGER WORD CHOICE on a sample sentence.
• A specific number turns a vague example into a concrete one. The reader can picture 80,000 bees.

  model Before: 'For example, a colony can be big.' After: 'For example, a single colony can have between 20,000 and 80,000 bees in summer, with one queen and thousands of workers.' Margin annotation: 'EXPAND DETAIL — specific numbers added'.

  prompt Teacher models EXPAND THE DETAIL on a thin example.

• Name 2 'tired words' in your draft.
• What makes an example CONCRETE?

M-3-S-WR-15-A Chart

11x17 anchor with two columns: TIRED WORDS (red column: thing, good, big, said, do, get, very, nice, bad, said) and TIER-2 SUBSTITUTIONS (green column: with 3-5 substitutions per tired word — e.g., GOOD → essential, valuable, useful, important; SAID → writes, explains, argues, claims; DO → perform, conduct, carry out). Print-ready, dyslexic-friendly font.

• Hunt your draft for 2 TIRED WORDS. Replace each with a Tier-2 substitution. Margin-annotate 'STRONGER VERB' or 'STRONGER WORD'.

  scaffold Tier-2 word wall + green pencil + MG-17 anchor
• Find one paragraph where the EXAMPLE is thin. Expand with a specific number, name, date, or sensory detail. Margin-annotate 'EXPAND DETAIL'.

  scaffold MG-17 anchor + green pencil

M-3-S-WR-15-B Illustration

Reference image of a Grade-3 draft paragraph with BEFORE and AFTER versions. BEFORE: 'Honeybees do a thing that helps them.' has the tired word 'do' and vague 'thing' circled in red. AFTER: 'Honeybees perform a special waggle dance that signals exactly where flowers are blooming.' has the Tier-2 substitutions underlined in green and the expanded detail bracketed. Margin annotations 'STRONGER VERB' and 'EXPAND DETAIL' visible. Print-ready 8.5x11.

• Show a partner your TWO stronger-word-choice revisions and your ONE expand-detail revision.
• Self-rate: which revision improved the draft most?

• Star the strongest revision.
• Predict: tomorrow we meet new prefixes and Latin/Greek roots.

• At home tonight, find 3 tired words in any newspaper or magazine. Suggest Tier-2 substitutions. Bring on a sticky note.